Zeroth Grader Disease
by Ol'Velsper
Summary: You either die a hero or grow up and become middle aged.
1. Chapter 1

8 Years Ago

"Would you like to hear a story?"

A great blizzard raged outside of a magnificent castle in a winter wonderland. The structure, which had remained standing for hundreds of years now, once again defied nature, refusing to buckle to it no matter how much it writhed and threw itself at the building.

A pair of dark eyes gazed outside at the storm with a hint of melancholy in their depths.

"This is the tale of a man who, more than anyone else, believed in his ideals, and was driven to despair by them."

The man pulled away from the window and retreated deeper into the room, barely illuminated by the flickering image of an older television. His manner of dress could be best described as 'messy' - as he slumped on the bed, gazing up at the ceiling. His already rumpled business suit only became more so.

"The dream of that man was pure."

The door heading out into the hall cracked open slightly, revealing a thin ray of light that was cast upon his haggard expression.

"Master Emiya," The short haired blonde standing behind the door offered him a tight, worried smile. "...your wife and newborn daughter would like to see you now."

"His wish was for everyone in this world to be happy."

Kiritsugu Emiya rose from the bed. He ran his head through his hair, making it spike up just so. If he hadn't been required to give them up, the man would have tried to light up a cigarrette at the moment. That would have made a suitable impression.

"...Emiya was my father." He smoothly retorted to the maid. "Please, call me Kiritsugu."

The smile the maid wore became more forced.

"It is a childish ideal that all young boys grow attached to at least once, one that they abandon once they grow accustomed to the mercilessness of reality."

"Y-yes, Master Kiritsugu." Her tone of voice attempted to stay politely disinterested, but disgust was creeping in. She was going to have to take a bath after this. "P-please follow me."

"Any happiness requires a sacrifice, something all children learn when they become adults."

The man who used to be known as the Magus Killer nodded and followed after that maid.

"But, that man was different..." 

* * *

A pair of eyes looked at Kiritsugu's retreating back.

"...daddy, can we go ahead and turn on the lights now? " A small girl, no more than six years of age, quietly spoke up as the dark haired man followed the pretty nurse out of the hospital's waiting room. "And maybe turn the heat on again?"

Next to her, her father, a thin and somewhat weaselly looking fellow sighed in relief as he finally let his daughter go off his lap.

"Yes, Taiga." He stood up and headed for the controls. "We can now."

Taiga Fujimura idly wondered why that man had looked so terribly sad when he had been waiting around. 

* * *

"Maybe he was just the most foolish of all. Maybe he was broken somewhere. Or maybe, he might have been of the kind we call 'Saints', entrusted with God's will..."

That night, Ilyasviel von Einzbern was born at Fuyuki General Hospital. She was slightly underweight, but she was a happy and healthy baby. The Magus Killer finally retired from his long war when his daughter, Ilyasviel von Einzbern, was born.

"..one that common people cannot understand."

...to the great relief of his wife, Irisviel von Einzbern. 

* * *

"...I really don't think it's quite that bad." Irisviel quietly told the dark haired woman standing in front of her. While she was clad in the same outfit all the other nurses of Fuyuki General wore, she had a tangible aura of station about her. Irisviel brought both hands before her pleadingly as she ducked her head. "Can you forgive me just this one time, Maiya?"

Maiya growled a bit, grinding the heel of her foot into the ground.

"He keeps hitting on us, though!" She leaned forwards to harshly whisper at Irisviel. Casually standing the other side of the door, and still waiting on both women to allow him in, was Kiritsugu. He visibly glanced over at another nurse that walked past him. "Look! He just did it again!"

Irisviel winced.

"He's just... simple." She defended her husband. "I think more men could be like that!"

Maiya blankly gazed at her long time friend.

"Iri...you just gave birth to his daughter. I'm just telling you to take control of your man before it's too late!"

Irisviel's eyebrow twitched as, yes, that thought sunk in. She glanced over at her husband, missing the faint smirk that was growing on Maiya's lips.

"I'll...talk to him, don't worry about it. He needs to become more responsible after all this time, you're right." She promised her friend, missing as Maiya's full blown smirk melted back into a normal look of concern. "For now, we can't keep him out in the hall too long. It's cold out there. He might get sick."

"Fine, I'll let him in." Maiya affected a groan. "Just because you said so, okay?"

Irisviel smiled at her best friend.

"Okay."

Baby Ilyasviel continued to clutch to her mother, unbothered by the goings on around her. 

* * *

Three Years Ago

Uryuu Ryuunosuke glanced at the worn out leather book laying open next to the sink. He scowled as glanced at the angrily clawing cat he was holding well away from his body. It hissed at him as it tried to claw through the rubber gloves he had was wearing.

"Sorry, Mr. Puss." The highschooler smirked, uncaring of the feline's attempts at saving itself. "I just don't care about your type of cat at all. "

Beneath the cat was a bubbling bucket of water, which had been filled fresh from the faucet.

"Reincarnate into a cooler cat. Maybe I'll give a damn then."

He let go.

It was far too late for the cat when Kirei Kotomine arrrived, practically knocking down the door to the kitchen. The broken pieces of wood, held together by a normal lock, fell onto the ground, making the boy nearly jump in his skin. Both of them shared a single look, intense in its silence.

"You didn't summon a demon."

"Seems not."

"These acts just continue to be wasteful, then."

"But aren't they cool?"

The broad shouldered son of Risei Kotomine shook his head at Uryuu.

"These sort of things are unproductive." He walked over towards the highschool boy, bumping him out of the way as he calmly picked up the bucket. "And I cannot continue to cover for your misdeeds. Especially since you do not wish to show improvement."

Uryuu followed the man with eager eyes as he headed for the exit. Deciding to follow after him, the boy trailed Kirei's footsteps like an eager puppy.

"Then show me kung fu!" He eagerly posed, hands moving into what could be generously called karate chopping motions. "Isn't that what you priests do?" His bright smile faded to a moment of blank indifference. "Well, besides take in 'wards' from the state?"

Kirei casually dumped the animal behind several bushes. Just like always, the scavengers would take care of it for them. Such was the joyous cycle of life.

"You only wish to learn the higher forms." Kirei shook his head, turning back towards the intently staring man. "They can't be taught without learning the basics."

"I bet Risei would teach me."

"My father lets you get away with too much."

"So, why is it that you keep covering for me, then?" Uryuu widely grinned, quirking his head at Kirei. "Isn't it because he 'let' you get away with enough too?"

"I just wanted to see what will become of a person such as yourself. Nothing more." Kirei replied, eyes darkening further. He turned and began walking away.

Uryuu resisted the urge to giggle. Soon he wouldn't be forced to stay at this crummy church. The only reason he hadn't left earlier was because there was something to Kirei.

He wasn't sure what it was, but he desperately needed to find out before he left.

Then, then he'd be free to go out into the world.

So many rituals to go through, so little time. 

* * *

One Year Ago

In the room of an elegant villa built atop a small hill in the neatest district in the south of Turin, Italy, three distinguished figures sat on a lounge chair. Tokiomi Tohsaka, a man of distinction and class, and clad in the finest of outfits, tailor fit for his frame, smiled at his companions as they served him some more wine.

This is such a pathetic World. For example, this villa is completely unworthy of my presence.

The man paused, halfway between taking a sniff of the wine he was swirling around a crystal clear glass.

Why you would deem to bring us here disturbs and insults me. Why, even the people here are pathetic as well. Just look on these cretins!

His companions were both worthy of praises. One had hair as dark as midnight and a piercing look to her eyes. The other, most definitely her sister, had rich and luxurious hair which shone with an exotic color.

Both were clad in dresses woven by the finest dressmakers in Paris, complimenting both of them.

Apparently even these Madonnas weren't enough for Him.

This is pathetic. Why are we spending our time on ...mongrels like these two?! We could be plumbing the depths of Akasha!

The man froze.

"Is there something wrong?" The cunning brunette at his side asked, her words calculated and cool. "Are we boring you?"

The question was enough to cause the lips of the younger sister to tremble.

"But sir!" The younger of the two clutched to Tokiomi. "We haven't even begun to chat yet."

Tokiomi carefully set his goblet down. Coldness raced down his spine with the return of the voice. He had sworn to himself he would never let it return.

'I'm not that man anymore.'

Tokiomi's quiet declaration caused the spirit within him to rebel, writhing and hissing at him angrily.

This used to be your greatest desire, magus. The voice spat back at him. Bitterness clung to the hateful wraith. We were to go together to the place of God, the Akashic Records, and find the beginning of all things! To the origin of everything!

'My priorities have changed.'

Tokiomi offered the two women sitting with him a gentle smile, reaching forwards to ruffle both of their expensively made up hair. Despite the minor fortunes both ladies had spent on their styling, they both girlishly giggled.

"Why would I ever think about being bored with my daughters?" Tokiomi Tohsaka asked outloud. His declaration made the voice within him begin to fade away. "Especially when we haven't even begun today's magic lesson."

...fine, go ahead. One day you will need The Gilgamesh's strength once again. You will come back to me on your hands and knees when the Winter Saint and Black Knight come for your head. Then we'll see who's laughing.

'Stop being so ...' Tokiomi barely fought back a blush. '...so goddamned embarrassing.'

"So daddy, daddy!" The exotically haired noblewoman smiled, tugging on his sleeve. "What should we do first?"

"Well, let's review the basics. First, there is Mana, which is the life and power of the world, and Od, which is..." 

* * *

Aoi Tohsaka barely resisted the urge to giggle as she watched Tokiomi calmly sipping tea. Next to him, both Sakura and Rin were mimicking the man, using milk and plastic tea cups. All three of them had their pinky fingers extended.

'And no sighting of 'The Gilgamesh', I see.' The woman sighed in relief as she silently pulled away from the sight. 'Maybe letting Tokiomi play with them will be alright after all?'

For a while the housewife had been worried that this would have made the man backslide.

Aoi paused, stopping at a window as she gazed out at the manor next door to theirs. The Matou home had started looking its age these last ten years. Poor old Zouken didn't have anyone to help him maintain the property after Byakuya had taken his son to America with their part of the inheritance.

Leaving the doddering old man with only Kariya.

Aoi winced a little bit when she thought about her old friend. If she ever was worried about how much she made sure to monitor on her husband, her old friend's situation kept reinforcing why she should keep doing it. She could only imagine how bad Tokiomi would have been if she hadn't stepped in and nipped his and Kariya's games in the bud.

'The Gilgamesh is never going to fight The Black Knight again.' She quietly swore to herself as she stepped away from the depressing sight of the Matou mansion. Maybe she could make old Zouken something to eat. She really doubted either of the two men knew the first thing about actually cooking. 

* * *

Deep within the basement of the Matou Manor, an abomination woke. Its return to its ancestral home beneath the earth was observed by lesser creatures. Their mandibles and antenna twitched as they recognized one that had lived in this dank, dark world for longer than they had existed.

The abomination rose, scaring off the braver creatures that had dared draw closer to it, to hopefully snag a morsel of food which clung to it. It snorted as its lessers skittered away from it, gazing out along its domain.

Intense cold and darkness clung to the entire world, making a frown come to its mouth.

"Goddamned old man, did he forget to pay the light bill again?"

Slime clung to the corners of the basement.

"Shit, did the pipes break from the cold?"

Finally, the abomination threw off the layers of blankets he used to conceal his form, revealing the man named Kariya Matou. He moved over towards the slime, scratching his exposed stomach. The ever growing paunch he had been accumulating trembled at the contact.

Kariya snorted, spiting off to the side.

"Damn, it really is broken." He peered at the corner again. Almost as if he had divined an answer, the man shook his head in disgust. "I'm going to have to ask Aoi if she knows anyone."

[████▄▄▄▄■■■]!?

"Shut up, Lancelot." Kariya sighed, rubbing his head. "I don't need your shit right now. I have to deal with Aoi and...him."

The Black Knight within Kariya's soul mindlessly raged.

"Yes..." Kariya darkly began, narrowing his eyes as he scratched at the stubble on his chin. "We're going to have to go outside."

Lancelot's scream was deafening. 

* * *

It was a fateful meeting between two childhood friends.

"Aoi." Kariya, dressed in summer clothes, nodded at the housewife. "Is The Gilgamesh in?"

"Kariya, why are you wearing that?" Aoi deflected the question. She shifted her feet so she had more stable footing. "Aren't you cold?"

"Well, there was a sale." Kariya began, not wanting to reveal that his allowance could only stretch so much with his purchases. "Anyway, I came to ask if you knew the number of a plumber. The cold broke some of our pipes."

"Oh no!" Aoi raised her hand to her mouth. "Is Zouken alright?"

"...yes, I'm fine too." Kariya snarled, and resisted the urge to unleash Lancelot on the terrible woman in front of him. "Thank you for asking."

Aoi had the grace to look embarrassed.

"Come in." She tried to smooth over her faux pas. "I'll get you the number to the person we use."

Kariya nodded, silently following her into the warm home. Immediately his knees stopped knocking as he looked around at the splendor of the home.

"I'll be back in a bit." Aoi wondered, offering a hopeful smile at her friend as she showed him where to sit. "Would you like some tea, Kariya?"

'Maybe you can stay outside your house for more than an hour for once?' She added mentally, crossing her fingers - in spirit, at least.

"No tea." Kariya shot down her hopes right away. "I need to go back to my work."

Aoi slumped slightly in place.

"Still trying to find a buyer for your fanf-"

"IT IS AN ORIGINAL FICTION LOOSELY BASED ON A PRE-EXISTING WORK!" Kariya exploded, slamming his hands on the couch he was sitting on. "ORIGINAL! OC! O-C! COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!"

"Of course, of course." Aoi mumbled, sucking on the inside of her cheek to keep from making things worse. "I'll... I'll be back soon, okay?"

Kariya angrily crossed his arms in front of him.

"Hurry up, then."

Aoi silently moved out of the guest room, bowing her head once before leaving. The anger Kariya held quickly faded away when Aoi left his sight. Standing up, the man glanced around the area with barely held back awe.

[████▄▄▄▄■■■]

'Yes, The Gilgamesh always was charmed with good fortune.' He sighed, shaking his head. The man smiled as he lightly ran his fingers along the glass cases containing several expensive looking bottles of wine. 'Why he chooses to share it with - her - is beyond me.'

Kariya faintly smiled as he moved over towards a picture of The Gilgamesh's family. Of course, the man himself was proudly standing tall over the other three women and children in the group. Just like him, really.

'Why'd you have to become...become this?' He wondered, sadly shaking his head as he began to reach out for the picture.

"Kariya, I got the...oh."

Aoi and Kariya froze. While the former was staring at Kariya with confusion as she held onto a scrap of paper, the latter had almost touched Tokiomi's profile with his fingertip. The silent moment began to drag out more than either of them felt was comfortable.

'Why is he touching my husband's face?' Aoi thought, a tiny, tiny part of her that remembered how Kariya used to look like before was offended that he hadn't focused on her in that picture.

Meanwhile, Kariya...

'What do I do?! What do I do?! WhatdoidowhatdoIwhatdoIdowhodowedo?!'

[████▄▄▄▄■■■]!

'That doesn't help at all!' Kariya roared, briefly managing to shout over the constant roars of Lancelot. 'You stupid, ero protagonist knight!'

Seeing that Kariya had somehow frozen in place as well, Aoi found herself feeling a bit of pity for her childhood friend. She quietly walked over towards Kariya and offered him the sheet of paper. Opening up the man's fist, she dropped the paper in it.

"Uhm...here." She gently squeezed his hand closed. "Do...do you think you can see yourself out? I think I need to lie down."

Kariya woodenly nodded.

"Great..." Aoi wanly smiled, moving away from Kariya. "Please see me again soon, Kariya."

"...thank you, Winter Saint." He mumbled ashamedly as he quietly scuffled away.

"I'm not-" Aoi's wide eyes and quick denial weren't fast enough. She slumped when she saw the door close behind Kariya. "-that person anymore." She finished with a sigh, and rubbed her eyes as guilt welled up in her. 

* * *

Kariya Matou boredly waited for the plumber to arrive. Sure, the letter said repairman, but that's what they were in the end, right?!

The man paused, realizing he had been holding his breath. Letting it out in a big breath of air, he slumped against his dad's couch. He ticked off the seconds as he looked around the dark living room. The curtain on the north side of the room was open just enough so he could see the Tohsaka's home.

"Maybe I should wait downstairs?" He mumbled, finding the thought really tempting.

He tapped his fingers against the hand rests.

The sound of his father's gramophone restlessly playing an old song drifted down to the anxious man.

He started tapping his fingers faster.

"By King Arthur's magically induced penis, what is taking this damn man so long?!" Kariya leapt to his feet, storming over to the house phone to file a complaint.

…

"You don't have to go through all this effort." Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri lay on their bed in their studio apartment. With the covers up to her chin, the pallid woman looked especially frail. Kayneth, sitting next to her on a worn chair, merely smiled and shook his head.

"I'm sure Mr. Matou will understand." The older man offered her another spoonful of soup. "Besides, it's just a few moments."

Sola tried to put on a fierce expression, but it gave way to an annoyed frown as she was spoonfed.

"You're going to lose another client, Kayneth."

"I haven't lost Mr. Tohsaka yet."

"That's because he's a nice man."

Kayneth Archibald El-Melloi silently nodded in agreement. The ex-college professor had been late plenty of times attending to his ailing wife, but Tokiomi had merely smiled and nodded in understanding.

Sola, seeing Kayneth's brief moment of concern, capitalized on it to pushing the man's hand away.

"Now go." She nodded over at the door. "At least try and make a good impression on the Matou. Maybe you can keep widening your contacts that way, alright? We don't want to rely on Mr. Tohsaka's charity forever, right?"

"Of course, m'dear."

As he stepped away from his wife's view, a subtle change came over the man. His once warm eyes chilled. He roughly reached for the offending phone, his eyes narrowing sharply, and his lips curling in mild disgust.

The display on the phone, which had been vibrating in his pocket the whole time he had been talking to his wife, showed 'Matou, Z.'

'What a boorish oaf to intrude on the love between a man and woman.'

Kayneth slipped his belt of tools on over his waist, adjusting it so it wouldn't drop. As the final step, he picked up the liquid mercury stress ball Sola had bought him once. He slipped it into one of the pockets of his tool belt before he stepped out.

"Afternoon, Professor Kayneth."

He nodded up at the stairwell directly across from his apartment door.

"Sanada, Nobuyuki."

A pair of teenage hoodlums respectfully nodded back at him, smiling as the man lightly drew out a pair of screwdrivers, colored in red and gold, and lightly spun them around his hands.

"Keep an eye on milady, alright?"

"Of course, Lord Diarmuid."

The Lancer reached over, lightly tapping his knuckles against the two hoodlums before riding off to war. 

* * *

Kariya paced behind the plumber, scowling impatiently at the man's slow work. "Are you finished yet?" He hissed. Lancelot seemed oddly subdued when the plumber arrived, which had put Kariya on edge.

Kayneth kept a placid expression, even as he tightened the fittings over the new pipe with deliberate slowness. "Just about, Mister Matou." He flashed the irritable man a tight grin that did not reach his eyes.

Kariya growled in response, resuming his pacing as he muttered vile oath's about Kayneth's parentage and education.

Kayneth, only half listening, twitched at his client's not so quiet insults. Stoically, he reached for the familiar comfort of his stress ball, reminding himself that he was doing this work for the sake of his wife.

"Aww, what's the matter." Kariya's taunting voice called over Kayneth's shoulder. The man sneered haughtily as he caught Kayneth's jerky motions, mistaking them for something obscene. "Did I hurt the dumbass plumber's feelings that he had to jerk off to feel better?"

Kayneth felt his remaining patience snap and he spun to face Kariya with an angry glare.

"Still your tongue, mannerless cur, lest I remove it from you!"

"...What did you say?" Kariya breathed softly, his left eye twitching, and his fists curling. Lancelot roused to full wakefulness, recognizing the being before it.

[████▄▄▄▄■■■]!

Kayneth's tight smile returns, but it is no longer even attempting to appear friendly. The silence is broken as the two shout, their world shattering as their fists met. 

* * *

The rapid key strokes echoed through the Matou's basement. In one corner of the room, the slime and other leaking had been repaired.

At great cost.

Kariya Matou, hunched over his computer in the center of the basement, angrily continued typing on his computer.

Tck.

Tcktcktck.

Tck!

The Black Knight's voice had stilled ever since his titanic battle, but the bruised man's mind and heart still churned with hatred. Kariya's shadow twisted and writhed in the light generated by his computer screen.

[ILikeSwords]: So I heard you got your ass beat, Black Knight!

Kariya ground his teeth together as he deleted the private message. More along those same lines appeared in his inbox moments later. The eldest son of the Matou house barely resisted the urge to smash his computer into the ground.

He was about to turn his internet off for the day, but one final message snuck in. The title made his blood freeze.

[Avenger]: So you're worthless without The Gilgamesh, eh?

Kariya's fingers almost shattered the keyboard as he typed up a rapidfire response.

[BlackKnightofOld]: Who are you?

[Avenger]: Heh. Someone who knows all and sees all. I'm...an Avenger, you might say.

Kariya snorted, rolling his eyes.

[BlackKnightofOld]: Whatever. I'm done.

[Avenger]: Wait! I can help you get revenge! I can give you all the power in the world, power enough to get anything you want.

Kariya stopped, his mouse hovering over the delete key. Moments passed in silence as the man considered his decision. He slowly moved the mouse key away from the deletion button. Another message popped up.

[Avenger]: Hee hee hee. Glad to be working with you, my man. So, this is what we're going to do... 

* * *

Present Day

Seven emails, received by seven specially chosen people, went off at the stroke of midnight.

"One, two, three, four, I declare a Grail War."


	2. Chapter 2

Fate/Zero is owned by TypeMoon and Nitroplus. All additional references belong to their respective companies!

"Love Conquers All"

* * *

Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald really hated Japan, even thought it hadn't started that way. The history professor had been all pluck and vigor when he had been personally invited. It had brought his Mum and Dada almost to tears. Now, though? He was always going hungry because of their tiny portions, the locals always stared at him, and the worst thing...

They had fired him from his teaching position at Tokyo University.

Him!

Weren't they the ones that had invited him all the way from Britain to come bring them out of their scholastic Dark Ages? It wasn't his fault the small minded gooks he taught were too busy worshipping penis statues or whatever banal practices they believed in, he had wanted those research papers turned in when they were due and nothing was going to stop it. He didn't care about 'micro aggressions' or whatever poppycock the mindless fool complained about, egalitarian practices or not.

Worse was that a few of his co-workers had agreed with him about the crappy students, proving that he was clearly in the right.

So now he sat, in some washed up dive of a bar, staring at stupid Japanese people as they guzzled piss water and made fools of themselves. Kayneth, the oldest of the group of professors, simply sniffed derisively and waved over the bartender. The rotund man, who looked like he had monopolized the nation's supply of rice, jiggled over towards the ex-professor.

"Do you have anything better to drink?" He asked, refusing to raise his tone over the drivel that was warbling through the set of speakers on the ceiling.

"What?" The bartender wheezed, breath on the more humid side of death. "Speak up, pretty boy."

A set of choice words leapt up to Kayneth's lips, but the bartender slightly moved to the side and exposed a baseball bat on the back wall. Of course, the idiots that had come with Kayneth were too busy wrapped up in themselves to see what was going on. The ex-professor assumed that the feeling he had towards the bartender must be quite mutual.

Kayneth's lips curled into a nasty expression, causing the tip of his nose to start twitching. The muscles on his neck visibly were visibly spasming as he tried to keep the flush of anger off his face. He pushed the glass towards the bartender.

"Give me another."

"Of course."

A throbbing beat began to burst out of the plasterboard through hidden speakers, making the professors around him slur excitedly and throw their arms in the air. Kayneth jerked in surprise, reaching for the stained countertop despite his own intentions. It stayed a very unelegant fall, but he felt a pinch on his finger.

He swore to all the heavens that if he caught some sort of disease, he was going to...

"Woo!" One of the professors swayed in place, taking a swing at Kayneth in a misguided attempt to hug him as he slurred. "It's starting!"

The ex-professor leaned to the side.

Kayneth rubbed at the cut with his embroided handkerchief, ignoring the pitiful moans of his former colleague from the ground. He looked up to talk to the bartender; the fatman could hopefully get Kayneth something to use to treat himself, but the oaf was looking towards the back. Actually, most of the men in the room were looking that way too, weren't they?

"Why are the lights dimming?" He demanded, but wasn't heard. "I can't drink like this!"

Now what could be that interesting over there?

Just a group of chairs tacked up high, along with some tables, and someone walking out from behind cover?

Oh, it was a woman, was she a waitress?

The cheers started up.

"What are you idiots doing?" He asked. "Stop this at once!"

Kayneth nearly joined bobble-headed Mino from the engineering department on the ground. He scrambled to his feet as fast as he could, feeling every fluid ounce sloshing around inside his belly. It was all he could do to keep himself from topping over on his face from his hampered mobility.

The music continued to pump, a dull thump that was matching the beat inside the back of his head.

"You stupid japanese, listen to me!" Kayneth shook his fists inpotently, swaying forwards.

Boos rose, and a few napkins were thrown at the British man.

"Bully on you!" He threw his arms out. "Smart little gooks can throw, good on you."

The woman blinked at Kayneth, gauged him with a once over, and promptly stepped around him to continue.

Kayneth smiled at the cheers, keeping his back towards the waitress.

"That's right!" He swaggered to the right. "You idiots like that sort of thing, don't you? Well, then let old Professor Kayneth educate ya! At least you're better than my old class."

"You get her, Archibald!" Mino hollered from his spot on the ground.

Kayneth blinked owlishly, spinning around to the left, while the red haired woman behind him swayed around his back to the right.

The crowd started to laugh.

"Miss," He swiped at the air in front of her. "D-don't encourage 'em."

"Shut up." She ordered in English. "Get out of my way."

Wait, up close, wasn't she a European? She had the cheek bones of nobility to her! What was she doing serving these idiots their piss water.

"Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!"

Kayneth wheeled about, pinwheeling his arms to keep from toppling over.

"You *animals*," He proclaimed, spittle falling from his mouth. "I will not have reprobates such as yourselves-"

He felt a tug on his overcoat's sleeve.

"Hey, I think it's cute and all, but..." The waitress had her top off, exposing herself to all the lights. "Why don't you pick your battles a little better?"

"OH MY GOD!" Kayneth shied away, arms shooting at perpendicular angles to keep him from even touching her bare skin.

"Hey." The redhead frowned. "Ouch, man."

"Get the fuck out of Sola's way, gaijin!"

A bottle flew out from the crowd, slamming into the back of his head, knocking Kayneth down and out in a single shot.

"Oi!" The woman hollered as a warm darkness swept over Kayneth's vision. "Watch the merchandise, I just got a lif-"

* * *

A sharp pain registered in the back of Kayneth's head as he woke. He found his face pressed up against a couch with an elementary arithemtic board pattern. Right now, his nose was smooshed up against nine. His right arm and part of his body was dangling off the right side.

He tried to sit up, but his head helpfully pulsed.

"Oh, you're up." A woman with a sort of familiar voice spoke from behind. "Don't recommend getting up, you took a real nasty looking hit."

Kayneth's body went stiff; head injuries were terrible things, if he remembered right. It could lead to all sorts of complications, even death. His posture must have said the whole story, because the woman drew near.

Her bare legs came into view.

"It'll be fine. I've been in a few scraps too. It just looks worse than it really is. I went ahead and patched it up for you." The disembodied set of legs told Kayneth.

Painted toes wiggled boredly up at him from a set of black sandals.

"D-do you have something to drink?" Kayneth asked, deciding he really needed to clear his senses if he was thinking like this.

"Huh? Oh, sure." She said, retreating. "Really lame of all your buddies to jet on you, though."

Kayneth closed his eyes. Ah, so that's how he wound up in this place. This overly illuminated room that was trying to sear the back of his eyeballs off.

"They weren't." He started, and then clarified for the benefit of the woman. "Friends of mine."

She returned and squatted down. He tried to shift in place enough not to set off the hurting and the splitting of his head. It afforded him a good view of his benefactor.

"I'd certainly hope not." That waitress half smiled. "Here you go, 'Professor'."

She handed him a cup of water.

Kayneth placidly took it, and took a deep sip of water as he looked over her shoulder. Several feathered boas dangled on hooks. Minimalistic wear, with emphasis on maximum cover also were lazily thrown about. Posters of women twirling on poles were plastered over as much of the walls as they could get away with. A large circular mirror dominated one side of the room with a stand in front of it loaded with makeup; there were a few large denominations of yen stuck on the frame.

So she was definitely not a waitress, huh?

"Former." He said. "How did you know...?"

"Not curious? Everyone gets surprised when they find out how good I can hear things." The lady said, looking disappointed. "I'm Sola-Ui. Just call me Sola. What's with that look? You've been surrounded by Japanese too long if you think I'm giving you my last name."

"Uh, that isn't your last name?"

Sola shrugged.

"I know, right?" She shook her head. "I think my uncle got to name me when I was born. Or was it my aunt? They were from the old country, didn't speak very good english."

Kayneth found himself smiling.

"I'm Kayneth." He said.

"Well met, Kayneth." She clapped her hands, and then placed them on her hips. "By the way, you owe me ten thousand yen. I had to end my session earlier 'cuz of you. But don't worry, I went ahead and helped myself."

"Eh?!"

* * *

Why did he bother coming back?

He took a left immediately after walking past the third traffic light at the corner of Sakamoto.

She made him feel so terrible every time.

The base was a little ways ahead, which made this dive the best place in the city for people looking for piss water.

Was this what being an addict was like?

And he entered a short alleyway, focusing on his surroundings instead of giving his thoughts the time needed to reach more terrible depths.

Kayneth waved aside some leaflet banners that had been strung between two poles, but had lost enough tension to droop down to face level. He reached for the entrance ahead of him, illuminated with tacky neon signs. At least he still had enough awareness to proclaim this the shittiest bar in existence.

The door bounced off its track when Kayneth entered the Red Top.

Case in point.

Whatever frustration he going through must've been audible. The fat owner looked up from where he was attempting to chat up a square jawed, dead eyed foreigner. The foreigner used the distraction to take her drink away from the bar and take up a seat at one of the small, circular tables strewn about the small bar.

"Just kick it, lover boy!" The fat man hollered at Kayneth, and then clicking his tongue when he noticed the woman had left.

The tip of Kayneth's nose twitched, but he slammed his foot hard against the door, kicking it back into place. Part of the door, directly where he was sure his heel had slammed into it, felt substantially weaker during the blow. He wasn't going to say anything to that lardass about it, simply walking up and just dropping some bills on the table.

"I assume our prestigious professor won't be having anything today?" The bartender asked, but the question was purely academic, since Kayneth was already walking over towards another empty table. The sweaty man picked up a towel that must've been white at one point and waved it at Kayneth's back. He didn't stop hollering after the former professor even when Kayneth was already seated. "Have fun! I'll put on a nice song for you and Sola, okay? Hahah."

Kayneth pulled out a book on job certifications, pens, paper, and a few applications out of a backpack he had with him.

Finally, he took out a brick as big as his head, and let it land heavily on the corner of the table.

A few of the people not used to the sight stared at Kayneth strangely. He was used to it, and he wasn't going to be changing his routine any time soon. There wasn't anything worth drinking here, and most of the clientele had an air of desperation to them. Kayneth started reading through the technical manual, making a few notes if something caught his eye.

* * *

At some point in his work, Kayneth decided it was time to check that letter. He had kept putting off reading it for so long that the paper had taken up permanent residence in a corner of his backpack. If he was a more superstitious person, he would've claimed that his pack felt about eight kilos lighter as he removed the paper and opened it up.

His eyes scanned through the cursory well wishes, written in Mum's flowery cursive. It went on to talk about the countryside had started getting colder this season. Then talked about how one of the servants had a baby, and had taken a paid break for a few months, and what a chore it was to break in the new help in the meantime.

Blah blah blah... remodeling for the season ... blah blah blah ... sister missed him - ha, that was laughable, that shrew had only a chunk of frosted over coal for a heart.

It wasn't as bad as he had been fearing, he had stopped taking calls from his family a week before this letter had arrived. He had been expecting something sharper in tone for his decision to stay in Japan. Maybe he was just being a silly billy afterall. Kayneth set aside the third page of the letter he had been sent and picked up the last sheet.

It only had a single phrase written in plain script.

"You're disappointing me, boy."

Kayneth winced. So that's what it felt like when the axe came down.

The man grabbed the letter, crumpled it in his fist, and shoved it back into his backpack. At the moment, it could stay down there and grow moldy for all that he cared. At least the little brat hadn't contributed towards the letter, he would have tossed it in an incinerator the first chance he got.

The back of his head started to throb, his old injury acting up again.

Kayneth sighed, and pressed his forehead against the books. He was losing his temper more easily these days. The doctor had told him that the cuts he had gotten in the back of his head that terrible night had healed up, but he didn't really trust that quack. They had told him to take it easy too, but look at him, he was doing just fine.

He had too much work to do to take it easy.

Kayneth shifted his head so he could look at another of the books he had brought with him. The statutes inside were still vaguely mystifying without the help of a lawyer, but he thought he had a case. He just had to figure out how to pitch his argument that his firing was illegal, and he'd get back. No shit head politician nor their pansy liberal kid was going to keep him from getting tenure.

He had been so close to it too...

Once he got it, *then* he'd quit on them and go back home.

Now, if only this damnable headache would just go away!

The lights in the room began to dim.

Kayneth shifted in place a third time, putting on airs as he blankly stared down at his notes, while all around him leers and catcalls were thrown with abandon as Sola came out.

Ah, it was almost time to actually talk to someone decent for a change.

* * *

Another 'female performer' brushed past Kayneth and Sola while they headed backstage. Kayneth had been told to at least call them that or risk the wrath of the police. The girl, probably about college aged, gave Kayneth a nod of acknowledgement. The older man paid her boss enough to be able to go backstage, so he was allowed in the back. What mattered was that Sola seemed to be alright with the guy too, so none of the girls had any reason to complain.

Neither of the two British borns said much as they entered Sola's room, letting the cheers rise up behind them.

Sola undid the lock to her room and headed inside with a sigh of relief, but looked back at Kayneth. He was squirming in place with his backpack in front of him, looking like a little boy as usual. The redhead rolled her eyes and somewhat harshly barked at him.

"What are you doing?" Sola asked. "Do you want an written invitation? Get your ass in here. I swear..."

Kayneth felt his headache fade a bit when he shut the door behind him. He wondered why the rest of the bar was so cheap if the rooms were soundproofed so well. Well, he wasn't going to complain, he walked over towards the couch and sat down on it. The second he sat down, he felt something loosen in his body, and he practically melted in place.

Sola snickered, walking over to her dresser and pulling out a cloth, she started her own usual rub down as she removed layers of makeup.

"I tried something a little different tonight." She said.

Kayneth had gotten into her cooler, and was pulling out a bottle of his favorite soda.

"I noticed the idiots were more eager than usual tonight." Kayneth said, having been focusing on his work.

Sola scrunched up her lips, she hated that stuff.

"That stuff is going to kill you." She chided, making a face as she looked into her towel. Yuck. Sola tossed it aside and grabbed another one. "Why not some Steamed Apple Juice?"

She could grab it at Starbucks with her Frapuccino, and save herself some time in the morning.

"Mmm."

"I like cinnamon with my Steamed Apple Juice." Sola said. Then she swiped beneath her eyes with her clean towel. Animal fat sloughed off her skin and onto her clean towel. Geez, it sometimes made her shudder to think what her complexion would be like if she didn't let herself air off most of the day.

"Ah."

"It's a really healthy alternative to soda." Her ears perked up, but she could only hear a bit of laughter bubble from the direction of the bar. It never made sense to her - who mixed stripping and comedy? Her ego would shrivel up and die if anyone so much as giggled after she took her clothes off.

"Cinnamon is a pretty weird name, huh?" She ducked to pick up a bottle of lotion she picked up.

"Hm?"

"Yeah, but it could've been worse, it could be cinnamomum. I heard that on the cooking show I saw last week. Trying saying that three times fast. Cinnamomum cinmamonum ci- damnit." She started rubbing her cheeks.

What the heck?

"...mmm."

Was he ignoring *her*?

"Like, not to be mean or anything, but diabetes risk factors are a pretty common thing at your age." Sola could at least recall reading something like that before.

Sola looked at Kayneth, the man seemed to be staring up at the ceiling. She slowly started matching the hue of her red hair. Her cheeks puffed out like an enraged squirrel, and she immediately damned her own mind for making that old comparison that her father used to make.

"Hey," She started, uselessly waving at him. "Cinnamon is mostly grown in Tibet."

"Huh."

"A long time ago, holy people were chosen because the scent stuck to them." She hopped off her seat. "They were called lamas. Llamas? Whatever."

Sola walked over towards her fridge and rooted around in it.

"Like, the scent proved they were the old holy people, reborn or something." She uncapped her water bottle. "I bet I'm like a really super powerful witch reborn."

"Ah..."

"You were probably my first victim." Sola walked up to him, staring down at him. "Don't piss off a witch."

"What?" Kayneth blinked awake.

Sola poured the water down on him.

* * *

"So, you lost your case, cheer up." Sola stretched out her legs on her dresser, humming as she did her exercises without a care that Kayneth was in the room with her. Had to limber up since she had to do a twofer tonight. The wannabe comedian had gotten scouted out, how nice for her. "There are still people working at this shitty place, so you're still a step ahead of us in life!"

Kayneth looked like a sad shriveled up little raisin sitting on her couch in his ratty suit.

Well hey, here was a perfect target. Besides, he'd be eager to get his mind off his troubles. Maybe if she got good she could get out of this dump too?

"Wanna hear a joke?" She asked, wanting to practice her positively fossilized sense of humor. "Knock, knock."

Kayneth sighed.

"No?" She held up a hand, fingers held a little bit apart. "Just a little?"

Kayneh looked up at her, with his lips practically drooping off face.

"Geez, now you're making me feel bad too." Sola huffily responded. She turned around and reached into her bag. A tiny little bottle gleamed in the light. "Look, here, drink this."

In deference to Kayneth's lack of hand-eye coordinations at the best of times, she gave him an easy underhanded lob. The man fumbled with the bottle and managed to keep it from spilling all over him. Since she was feeling like a good girl today, she passed on the opportunity to rib him - because seriously, not even her softball league back in highschool needed such a delicate toss.

"What's this?" He asked.

Now why did he have to start with a hard one.

"Eeeh." Sola drawled. "Just drink it."

Kayneth stared back at her.

"Liquid Courage!" She rooted, waving her arms up. "Get up and at 'em."

"Why?" He asked.

Sola mimed a drinking motion.

"Like 'ganbatte' and stuff, huh?" She responded.

Kayneth turned an accusatory expression at the tiny bottle in his hands.

"What's in it?" He asked.

"If you have to ask, you definitely need to drink it." She used some circuletous logic on him.

"Sola..."

Sola heaved a long suffering sigh.

"I'm just trying to help you." She said. "I would've charged anyone else for it."

Kayneth still looked hesistant.

"If someone gives you something, says it's going to help you out, and they aren't trying to scam you or get laid, you should take it on blind faith." She crossed her arms in front of her, as if to end conversation.

"But..."

"Don't you trust me?"

"That...!"

Sola stared at him.

"Oh, what the hell." Kayneth unpopped the cork and swigged it in one shot. "Got nothing better in my life."

She smiled.

Kayneth stopped paying attention as all the colors and lights just bled all together.

* * *

Brave Sir Kayneth rode amidst the bountiful hills and down through the treacherous valleys.

Slant eyed goblins always heckled at him through his journey, lashing at him with a thousand arrows, but they could not pierce the fairy enchantments on his jet black bodysuit. They tried to run him down with their war engines, but his faithful steed Penelope was always a step ahead. The fools ran their own weapons into the sharp cliffsides, shattering themselves up against mother nature herself.

Survivors crawled out of the shattered remnants, broken and battered, but Kayneth was already guiding his horse onwards away from the pathetic wretches.

Thanks to the sudden attack, he now knew that their camp was nearby, because why would there be such immobile equipment out in the middle of nowhere?

He pulled on the reigns while making a call to ride.

Penelope answered with a heartful neigh.

The paths twisted and turned, darkened and lightened as the canopy overhead shifted. Before too long, the knight could smell the faintest traces of smoke in the depths of the valley. For a moment, he felt a moment of pity for the creatures, it was truly unfortunate that they could not do more. They were intelligent, but they turned it only towards aggressively attacking the innocent.

The goblins were too dangerous to leave alive.

Knight and horse charged a camp of monstrous little creatures, shouting war cries as they rushed through a sea of tents.

Many of those monsters met him, but none bested him. His spears and Penelope's hooves were gore stained by the time they finished their grim work. Finally, all that was needed was to make sure to destroy the spirits of any that might have wandered away on scouting missions or left to go hunt. His twin spears speared through their banners, giving the goblins their own notice of dismissal.

Kayneth took a few deep breaths when his ghastly work was over.

Penelope grew startled, nearly knocking the man off when a mountain of a goblin pushed his way out of a half collapsed command tent to the east. It was ten times the size of the goblins that were lying dead at his feet, but its dull eyes lacked the hint of humanity that he had seen in the others. The rotund butterball in front of him was simply a beast, wearing tattered rags about its frame and holding a chain.

Kayneth urged his mount onwards with a shout, swearing at the beast to end its life here and now.

The beast exposed its rotted teeth with the dopey smile it gave him. Suddenly, the beast pulled on his chain, eliciting a shriek from a woman that stumbled out from the tent. He only had time to see the fear in her eyes before he pulled hard on Penelope's reigns. It must have come as a shock, she wasn't able to stop herself in time, and both of them took a spill as they rolled in the mud. His heart sank as he heard her call out in pain; Kayneth prayed that none of her legs had been broken.

The hambeast bobbed in closer, sneering down at him, while it dragged the woman behind him. While the beast looked as pleased as a pig in the slope, the woman looked to be on the verge of tears, ashamed of the part she had unintentionally been forced to play. She looked away from Kayneth, presenting her full profile to the righteous knight.

Wait- wasn't that Lady Sola-Ui of Ur?

Kayneth was only able to find one of the spears. The other one was nowhere in sight. He leveraged himself out of the muck with it, and charged at the beast. It snarled at him, dropping the chain and coming at him with a large mug in its hand. The moment it let go, Lady Sola-Ui started running away to the cover of the woods to the east.

Smart girl, he thought, as he met the goblin in battle...

* * *

Kayneth opened his eyes. He was lying down on old cobblestones. They were scattered about a forest clearing. Signs indicated that there had been a rather large building around, collapsed pillars and large archways still standing. A deep jade forest stretched as far as the eye could see, wild and chaotic growth unchecked by civilization.

"A heart full of justice, huh?" A man in the same bodysuit he had been wearing walked out of the forest and addressed him rather familiarly. "I can't say I dislike that sort of thing."

Huh? What was he talking about? Where were they?

"Uh," His brain caught up, remembering his dream. "I don't think it was justice I was fighting for there."

Maybe Sola was right, he needed a break.

"If you fight for justice, I will stand at your side!" Did the other man just ignore Kayneth? What a cheeky little bint. Kayneth really hated being ignored, he was similiar to Sola that way.

"No, that was for my ego." Kayneth shot down the pretty boy.

The other man seemed to struggle with something internally for a moment.

"But you are just!" He finally decided, causing Kayneth to sigh. "And justice makes you worthy of being my lord!"

"Wait a second..."

"Just call out for Diarmuid Ua Duibhne," The man started quickly walking away. "I will always answer, Master."

The collapsed pillars and foundation of some large sort of ruins faded away.

* * *

Snores greeted Kayneth as he woke up for what seemed like one too many times today and stared up at a familiar ceiling. He groaned as he sat up, cans of beer sloughing off his body. An grunt resounded from somewhere deeper in the refuse, it sounded angry at the noise.

He looked around, shortly finding the glass divider in the center. It was filled with water and had countless jellyfish swimming inside. The ceiling had a glittering chandelier which had strings of shining lights dangling off it.

Everything was colored a calm blue.

He remembered these rooms, he was at the Hotel Hyatt.

He used to come here all the time on the college's dime. Why did he wake up here? Wait, where was Sola? Oh no...

Kayneth staggered up, drunkenly swaying and almost falling onto his face every step of the way, and took stock of the room.

The room looked like a tornado had come sweeping through. There were a handful of people drooped against the walls. Others were had various degrees of clothes on their bodies.

Kayneth's hands shot up, covering his crotch and chest, and he breathed a daint sigh of relief when he felt his clothes.

Okay, okay, now what?

He didn't want to get involved in whatever he had woken up in the midst.

While he considered running, he heard the tell tale noise of the room's lock coming undone, taking away the decision for Kayneth. The blond quickly looked around for a weapon, finally settling for an overturned lamp that had someone's jean skirt dangling off it. He yanked its power cord off the wall jack and held it up above him like an improvised club.

Sola blinked at him, holding a plastic bag in between her arms, which overflowed with bottles and cans full of chilled alcohol.

"Oi!" She slammed her cargo down on an oak table next to the door, making a few females utter angrily from the direction of the self service bar in the corner. "Good morning, sleepyhead!"

Kayneth hesistantly lowered the club.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"At the rate you were going this last week, I thought I was going to drop dead soon!" Sola grinned at him. "Really nice of your sister to give you that loan too, glad she agreed with m-hey, what the heck are you doing to yourself with that cord!"

* * *

_Wise Up!_

Sola-Ui

**(An Unladen Sola is Worth Three In The Bush)**

Sex: Ahah, he wishes.

Blood Type: Blue

Weaknesses: Poverty

Preference: Chocolate

Circuits: Short-distance

Circuit Count: Two before breakfast!

Land Speed: 10km/hr

A return to form and in a brand new world! Welcome, welcome! Madame Sola-Ui returns to us as the apple of Professor Kayneth's eye, and he wouldn't have it any other way. This new edition of the classic comes with new features, like kung fu action grip! Try it out, just put a credit card in between those mitts of hers and say goodbye to ever seeing that line of credit ever again!

So, about her relationship with that black Lanc-_bzzztskap!_


End file.
